I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
