its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
