You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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