So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
