we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
