My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
