bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
