Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
