She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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