Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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