I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
