oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
