so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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