***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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