It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
bring money and cleavage
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.