Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
