dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
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He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.