My room smells like vodka and shame
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
