just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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