You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
