Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
