Need sex. Gaining weight.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
