I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
