I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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