Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
