The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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