All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
