drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
