Cold hands, warm shart.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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