I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
