I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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