if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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