I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
