You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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