what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
