That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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