Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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