I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
