One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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