somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Couch. On fire.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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