i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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