i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
