put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
