You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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