i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
