I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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