Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
