ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
