I could make wine with my vomit
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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