im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
