Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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