I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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