Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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