What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
