apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
