I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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