if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
