i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
