the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
