Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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