My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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